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Breaking Boundaries With Rectangles
Pong; a simple word? Yes. A simple game? No! I recently had the privilege to re-visit this former coin operated monster in the comfort of my own living room and thought, has anyone ever did a review of this fucking game? I highly doubt it. So I thought to myself, “Here you go again, breaking boundaries and going places no one else has ever gone, kind of like an astronaut or a great explorer finding new land or new places to put your penis that feel squishy and safe from disease, yes you really are a gift to the world!” But enough about me, I give you: MY REVIEW OF PONG!
Upon first appearance, Pong seems like a simple digital version of table tennis, but once you indulge yourself in its vast fantasy world of vertically moving oblongs and flying squares, you realize it is much, much more!
In fact, Pong isn’t a mere game; it’s a life changing experience, much like a watching a child being born or getting your first period! Strap yourself down as you prepare to defend your half of the black screen from the wrath of the square tennis ball! Sweat with excitement as you move your rectangle up and down the screen trying to bash the square towards your opponent! Clench your fists in rage around the joystick as the ball comes back to your side of the screen! Scream obscenities at the top of your lungs as you try to hit it back to other side of the screen! Repeat this crazy shit nonstop without change for hours! Think you are ready for this kind of excitement? If you answered yes to this question, then tell your Mom to hold your calls and put on your most absorbent diaper, because you are ready to be butt slammed by the high excitement and energy that Pong has to offer!
Once you have experienced (or re-experienced) the absolute genius and excitement that is packed into this slice of retro heaven, you will easily see how it paved the way for other great video games such as Quadrapong, Super Pong, Dr. Pong, and World of Warcraft.
Mini Thought Marathon
* I am not going to support PETA until they show some love for the Chupacabra.
* I wish that “God Of Thunder” from Kiss would play every time i unzip my pants. That would easily make me the coolest person ever. Easily!
* Eating Chap Stick will not fill you up. Not even a little bit, and not even the cherry flavored ones.
* A funny way to say “Vagina” is “Bagina” and I have no fucking explanation for that.
* I recently learned that the movie Robocop did not win any prestigious film awards. That’s the stupidest thing I have ever heard, ever. I mean have you seen that fucking movie? It’s fucking tits!
* Whatever happened to that other guy from Wham!? He seemed like a nice guy.
* Walrus-Werewolf hybrid. How do we make it, and what do we call it?
* I hate it when you are taking a dump and someone tries to sit on your lap. How rude!
* In some countries, you aren’t a man until you rape a heard of zebras. Seriously, watch the discovery channel (I don’t).
* The police don’t consider it “free entertainment” when you dress up like a clown and stand outside of a strangers bedroom window. I don’t know the technical term for it, but it's far from “free entertainment” and it's not even a legit business according to them stupid idiots.
* In my high school English class, our teacher made us listen to the whole 2112 album by Rush because it’s a concept album about some stupid fuckin’ Ayn Rand book we just forced to read. (Atyls Shrugged? Maybe? I don’t really remember). It was horrible and it made my ears hurt. Who writes a concept album about an Ayn Rand novel? Then it hit me. They were bangin’ her. All of them. Maybe she should write a book about that. Or maybe they should have just written a concept album about her vagina. Or wait...maybe I should write a concept album about why Rush wrote a concept album about an Ayn Rand story…now that’s original!
Glam Rock, Spandex And Muppets
Do you remember Jim Hensen's 1986 movie The Labyrinth? It was about a young girl who wishes her brother away and afterwards he is magically taken by a goblin king who asks that she complete his maze before she can claim her brother back. If that doesn't ring a bell, maybe you remember that David Bowie played Jareth the Goblin King and spent the whole movie dancing around in spandex with his boner swinging in every which imaginable direction? Ding Dong! Those bells are ringing now, aren't they?
I recently came across this movie after many years and couldn't believe what i was seeing! I remember watching this film as a child and thankfully my innocence protected my retinas from being burned out at the sight of Bowie's spandex fiasco. It's obvious that everyone who worked on this movie other than Jim Hensen was a woman. Hensen probably spent so much time obsessing over the perfections of the "Bog of Eternal Stench" That he failed to notice what wardrobe had been picked out for Mr. Ziggy Stardust to prance around in. I'm also disgusted that the censors didn't step in and do something about Bowie's Clog Monger starring in half the movie. They might as well have put "David Bowie's Crotch" in the cast of characters.
The problem is due to this movie you can’t have a conversation about Bowie's music without his Manhood coming up half the time. I have heard women refer to him as "Big Dick Bowie." Is this really necessary? Can't we just call him Mr. Bowie? I don't think that his genitals had any part in writing great songs like "Fame" and "Modern Love" so let's just forget about the deformed ogre that dwells in his shorts and enjoy the musical genius that he bestowed upon the world!
I have also decided that if i ever accidentally spawn children, that there are plenty of other movies i can let them watch other than this one. Legend, anyone?
The Lord Giveth...And The Lord Taketh Away
Recently, one of my roommates acquired a legal cable box that will allow the user to pull many satellite signals out of the air and into the comfort of your living room. Yes it really is legal, and we now have almost 300 channels. Take that Charter! When he got it set up the other night, all three residents of the house were present to discover that we get five, count 'em five, hard core sex channels! And i do mean hard core! This isn't the hotel room shit that just shows bobbing eyes when a girl is working a pork stick, this is the shit that airs full length unedited films like Butt Munching Weiner Sniffers and Two Girls, One Tub, No Shame!
Our faces lit up like that kid from "A Christmas Story" when he got his Red Ryder BB Gun, (And like that kid my parents should be worried about me shooting my eye out with this toy as well...) I mean we felt like every bit of karma we were owed by the cosmos was being returned, in double.
Then it hit me, and i had to be the bearer of bad news. No fuck it, this wasn't just bad news, this was the type of news that crushes your life and can put you into a deep depression. FUCK! I had to tell them now, before it was too late.
"Shit, guys...I hate to say this...we only get these channels in the living room."
The room grew silent for what seemed like forever.
We were crushed. Defeated. Taken Down. Beaten. The life had been sucked out of us. We joked that we could put up a curtain and each of us could reserve special time with the cable box. I of course mentioned we would all need special chairs for that because I’m not comfortable with anyone whackin' off on the couch. I mean, sometimes i eat breakfast sitting on that couch!
Sure we made jokes, but really we all went to bed a little more dead inside than we were when we woke up.
Cory J